Porthouses 119, Tenderloins 118

Bout Recap by Milhouse Van Bouten

Maine Roller Derby hosted the Meat Grinder, a public scrimmage on June 20, 2010 at Happy Wheels, to wrap up the home season. Fresh Meat skaters and Calamity Janes players were split into 2 teams: the Porthouses and the Tenderloins. The intra-league bout was hot and meaty with a final score of Porthouses 119, Tenderloins 118.

First period kicked off with the Tenderloins shutting out the Porthouses for the first two jams. Tenderloins jammers Crystal Whip and Toni Stark (aka Maulie MacKillem’) took the first two jam leads and 4 points each, shutting out respective opponent jammers Spry Icicle and Spamela Anderson (aka The Rehabiliskater).

The following jams, the Porthouses chipped away at the score, averaging  2 points per jam as the Tenderloins averaged four-point jams. The Tenderloins continued sizzling, grabbing lead status and control in every one of the first eight jams.

In jam nine, Spry Icicle’s offensive play ignited the Porthouses. With the help of pivot Lez Lemon and blockers Bloody Knuckles Betty, Li’l Punisher and T-Storm, Spry stole the first lead away from the Tenderloins and opposing jammer Crystal Whip, as well as another 8 points. Crystal negated all but 2 of those points by snatching 6 of her own, but the two-point swing indicated a possible shift of momentum.

 

The next jam, however, Toni Stark crushed the game back into the Tenderloins favor with a big 14 point jam over the Porthouses’ jammer, Spamela Anderson, while she sat in the penalty box. After the first two heavy-hitting jams of the night, the Tenderloins still had the point lead and control.

After some roughly even jams, a strong exchange occurred in jams fifteen and sixteen. In jam fifteen, Crystal Whip took the lead and 10 points away from Spry Icicle, who could not get around the defense of BIF Curtains, Mary Jane Pain Train and Porsche D Rail Yah to score for the Porthouses. In the next jam, Porterhouse Li’l Punisher answered in her only jam as jammer by taking lead and 9 points, assisted by Bloody Knuckles Betty, Lez Lemon, Mae Snap and Spry Icicle, who shut out the Tenderloins. It was their first major jump toward closing the gap.

In jam 17 Spry Icicle fed Li’l Punisher’s fire by taking another 12-0 point jam for the Porthouses as Tenderloin jammer Iron Matron was sent to the penalty box trip. At the end of the half, the the score was 67 –  48 in favor of the Tenderloins.

Period two started with a scramble for lead, won by Crystal Whip. Although Crystal had lead, Porthouses’ Spry Icicle was close by and scored 2 points to Crystal’s one before the jam was called. In jam two, Toni Stark took the line for the Tenderloins and once again wrestled control away from the Porthouses by scoring 4 unanswered points, ending a potential landslide and giving her team a little room to breathe. The score was 72 – 50, in favor of the Tenderloins.

Caution seemed to take over through the early jams of the second half, as neither team’s defense gave up more than 1 point differential over the next 5 jams. At the start of jam eight, the Porthouses were down by 24. Jammer Spamela Anderson had been pressure-cooked for most of the night by the Tenderloins hearty defense. As the jam was underway, opponent blockers Mary Jane Pane train and Toni Stark and jammer Lady Gay Gay all were sent off to serve penalty time. Perhaps this was just the space Spamela needed for her latest endowments, as she proceeded to score 13 points to the Tenderloins 0 and cut the point gap in half. Spry Icicle followed in the next jam with another 12 points over Crystal Whip’s 4. Though it wasn’t quite tied, in 2 jams, the Porthouses had closed the gap.

 

The next two jams played out evenly, but Spamela Anderson scored another 7 unanswered points in jam 12, this time with 2 of her teammates in the penalty box. A wave of murmurs and applause rippled through the crowd. The Porthouses, who had been behind all game, by 38 points at one point, had come back to take their first lead of the night, 94 – 88.

Tempo picked up and the teams shifted to an offensive focus. The Tenderloins refused to panic and racked up safely-played points over the next two jams from jammers Lady Gay Gay and Toni Stark. At jam 14, the score was even at 97, with mere minutes to go.

Crystal Whip went for the kill in jam 15, scoring a searing 15 points (the most for a single jam in the entire bout). Spry Icicle chased her down for the Porthouses and cancelled out 7 of those points, however, Crystal still had taken the lead back for the Tenderloins, 112 – 104. Spamela Anderson sliced the gap again by 2 points in jam 16.

Less than 3 minutes remained as Tenderloins Toni Stark lined up against Porthouses Spry Icicle for jam 17. Toni, who was a major offensive force for the Tenderloins, was directed to the penalty box mid jam, leaving Spry Icicle as the only jammer on the track. The Tenderloins knew their lead was in trouble, and the crowd jumped to the edge of their seats. Spry Icicle rounded the track for 13 points, stealing the lead back with seconds remaining and a score of 119 – 112 in favor of the Porthouses.

Jam 18, the final jam, kicked off with Tenderloins’ Iron Matron jamming against Porthouses’ Spamela Anderson, who was sent to the box. The Tenderloins scrambled to capitalize. Jammer Iron Matron needed 8 points to win for the Tenderloins. The Porthouses defense was tight, attempting to burn the clock, but after some struggling, Matron busted through, but not lead jammer. Time ticked away on Spamela’s penalty as Matron dug deep to get in position to tally. She slid through the Porthouses defense for a grand-slam score of 5 points. Matron scrambled around to score again, but Spamela was released and ripped toward the track. With fresh legs, she reached the pack first, careful not to take a minor penalty and lose her eligibility for lead. Matron approached the back of the pack as Spamela desperately tried to get lead status. Matron entered the pack. Two whistles blasted. Spamela earned lead jammer status. Matron scored one point ,and Spamela called the jam. Game over: 119 – 118.

The Porthouses had just barely held on to their lead for a victory over the Tenderloins in the closest, most exciting exhibition bout finish in MRD history. One thing is for sure: if this is an indication of the future of Maine Roller Derby… and it is… then we have thrilling sports action on the horizon, and new stars on the rise. Want more? Well, now you know where to get it.

~Top Scorers~

Tenderloins: Crystal Whip (49)

Porthouses: Spry Icicle (65)

~Most Valuable Players~

Tenderloins: Iron Matron

Porthouses: Li’l Punisher

Tenderloins Roster:

BIF Curtains (a.k.a. WrexZilla) | Crystal Whip | Dolly Hardon (a.k.a. A-Block) | Double Tap | Iron Matron | Lady Gay Gay | Mary Jane Pain Train | Porsche DRail Yah | Toni Stark (a.k.a. Maulie MacKill’em)

Porthouses Roster:

Bloody Knuckles Betty | Lez Lemon | Li’l Punisher | Mae Snap | Spamela Anderson (a.k.a. Rehabiliskater) | Spry Icicle | Tofurkey Lurkey (a.k.a. Allagasher) | T-Storm | White N’ Nerdy (a.k.a. Gunner Hands-Off)