Port Authorities 260, SufferJets 62

Boutcast by Milhouse Van Bouten

August 21^st, 2010. Maine Roller Derby’s Port Authorities offered a public scrimmage in the hopes of warming up their roster to begin a brand new fall season, as well as remind the hardcore fans what they have been missing. A couple new faces made their first ever public appearances on a Maine Roller Derby roster: Iron Matron, a blocker from the Calamity Janes seizing an open roster spot; and Barbara Ambush, a 3-year veteran blocker and jammer from WFTDA Eastern Region #1 ranked Gotham Girls Roller Derby. Their opponents for the evening were the SufferJets, a team from the Ithaca League of Women Rollers who went 2-2 in their last 4 bouts and jumped at the opportunity to test their skills against Maine’s all-star squad.

The bout started cautiously as each team spent many of the initial jams sizing each other up. Jam 1 was uneventful on the scoreboard as SufferJets jammer Mother Pucker took lead over Port Authorities jammer Grim D. Mise, but called before either could score. Spry Icicle followed up for the PA’s by scoring five points to opponent CamArrow’s two. The next two jams were scoreless.

Crystal Whip fired the first unanswered shot for the Port Authorities in jam 5, nabbing the jam lead and scoring a 13-0 point differential over SufferJets Sarabellum. Spry Icicle followed with three more for the PA’s in jam 6. Mother Pucker finally added much needed offense for the SufferJets in jam 7, shaking off stiff shoulder checks from Crystal Whip to grab lead, although still outscored by Maine’s Grim D. Mise 5-4.

The following two jams only got worse for the SufferJets as the Port Authorities defense found their targets. Maine’s Shirley B. Slammin’ blocked from the outside in to open a path for teammate Li’l Punisher to score eight points. Jam 9 was highlighted by stellar blocking from PA’s Barbara Ambush, landing two monster hits on SJ’s Cold War, who eventually left the jam with a knee injury. Grim D. Mise and Punchy O’Guts combined to wreck the SufferJets’ positioning, allowing teammate jammer Crystal Whip to expand on her big night with a huge 25-0 point jam.

The remainder of the half continued the positive trend for Maine. SufferJets defenders Motley Crouton and AKT * 47 held back Port Authorities jammer Spry Icicle momentarily in jam 10, but were quickly split apart by the smash-mouth play of Li’l Punisher. The ferocity  increased in the later stages, but the PA’s were ahead in the physical game as well. Barbara Ambush nailed SJ blocker Snarl Marx in jam 12, sending her into the wall, though the play resulted in a fourth minor penalty for Ambush, sending her to the box.

The following jam was a slam dance as SJ jammer Mother Pucker dropped opponent jammer Li’l Punisher, only to be floored herself by an excellent check from Maine’s Grim D. Mise. Motley Crouton caught Li’l Punisher again, keeping lead status open. Finally, Mother Pucker took the lead by slipping away from the oncoming assault of Punchy O’Guts. Pucker scored a 4-0 differential over Li’l Punisher, and seemed to be the biggest offensive missile the SufferJets launched against the Port Authorities. Unfortunately for Ithaca, her efforts were continually defused by excellent Maine jamming as Grim D. Mise (who scored 19-0 in jam 15), Spry Icicle, Crystal Whip and Li’l Punisher combined for 119 points in the first half while the SufferJets labored for 30.

The second half began with Grim D. Mise once again facing off against Mother Pucker. It was a juke fest as both jammers scrambled for lead with Grim narrowly winning the battle. It looked like Pucker would force a quick call, but her wheels betrayed her in the turn and she fell to her kneepads sliding off pace, allowing Grim to score 4-0. Spry Icicle followed with an 11-8 differential over SJ’s CamArrow, as neither had lead status. PA’s Grim D. Mise and Li’l Punisher combined for nine points in jams 3 and 4, while the SJ’s Hootie McBooty and Mother Pucker locked in 2.

Crystal Whip wore the star for Maine in jam 5, taking her signature single knee at the jammer line. She already had a huge first half, kickstarting Maine’s offense and owning the title for the biggest jam of the night so far with 25 points. Crystal was pitted against SJ jammer Sarabellum, who had struggled, but produced the second most points for her team in the first half behind Mother Pucker. The SufferJets needed something big if they had any hope of staying alive, but it could not possibly have gone worse for them. Shortly after the whistle, three of the five-skater line for Ithaca found themselves in the penalty box, including jammer Sarabellum. SufferJets blockers AKT * 47 and Rollin Polanski were alone on the track and quickly caged by Port Authorities Barbara Ambush, Maulie MacKill’em, Grim D. Mise and Punchy O’Guts. The pack stopped dead. Sensing blood in the water, Crystal Whip dug in deep and unloaded round after round on the helpless SufferJets, the intimate crowd exploding louder with each pass. By the time the whistle blew and the gunsmoke cleared, Crystal scored a jaw-dropping 33-0 points. While not part of the official record book, it was the most points in a jam that an MRD crowd had ever been treated to, and they, along with the rest of the Port Authorities bench, rained well-deserved applause on Crystal for her amazing effort.

The SufferJets simply could not get rolling. Maine seemed to have an answer for everything thrown at them. After Crystal’s backbreaking 33 point jam, Spry Icicle added another huge 18-0 point jam for the Port Authorities. Li’l Punisher had a 19-0 point jam of her own in jam 13. Maine’s defense  continued to play smart and dominate. While finding themselves down a jammer in jam 7, Barbara Ambush, Porsche DRail Yah, Punchy O’Guts and Crystal Whip successfully raced the pack to avoid giving up any points.

In jam 12, PA’s Barbara Ambush negated SJ’s Sarabellum while teammate Punchy O’Guts whipped jammer Crystal Whip into the jam lead to remain in near total control. In that same jam, a noticeable battle took place between opponent blockers Barbara Ambush and Chairman Meow, who kept each other occupied near the back of the pack. This favored the Port Authorities, as Crystal had lead status and easy access to the pack while keeping the ability to call it at any time. Maine’s tough defense found ways to give themselves the edge throughout the rest of the bout, and was just too much for the SufferJets to overcome. The ladies in gray and red proved they have a bright future, but the night belonged to the Port Authorities who successfully defended their Happy Wheels home away from home from Ithaca’s air raid. Final score: Port Authorities 260, SufferJets 62.

~Top Scorers~

SufferJets: Mother Pucker (30)

Port Authorities: Crystal Whip (92)

~Most Valuable Players~

SufferJets: Mother Pucker

Port Authorities: Barbara Ambush

SufferJets Roster:

AKT * 47 | BeeBee DeVille | CamArrow | Chairman Meow | Cold War | Hooty McBooty | MaMadusa | Mother Pucker | Motley Crouton | Rage Against the Vagene | Rollin Polanski | Sarabellum | Snarl Marx

Port Authorities Roster:

Barbara Ambush | Crystal Whip | Fist City Kitty | Grim D. Mise | Iron Matron | Li’l Punisher | Maulie MacKill’em | Porsche DRail Yah | Punchy O’Guts | Rehabiliskater | Shirley B. Slammin’ | Spry Icicle