Calamity Janes 157, Hellions of Troy 85
Bout re-cap by Milhouse Van Bouten
On June 12th 2010, Maine Roller Derby’s Calamity Janes returned to the Portland Expo. After a hard-fought win over Massachusett’s Petticoat Punishers, the Janes were looking to keep their home fans happy and continue their success. Their opponents for the night would be the Hellions of Troy: a sophomore-year WFTDA league active since October 2008. This was the 3rd straight away bout for the Hellions this year, counting a losing effort against Central NY Roller Derby in April and another loss to the Utica Roller Girls in May. Although the Hellions may have been road-weary, they showed no signs and invaded the expo in Hellion hot pink ready to show what they had learned. Both teams brought a blend of experienced and new skaters to what was sure to be an exciting matchup. As they placed their first lines in position, it was clear the Expo wasn’t big enough for the both of them.
The action was quick and methodical from the get go, with both teams executing well (and giving me a lot to talk about). In Jam 1, the Hellions got a kick start with jammer Shockratease grabbing lead. Janes jammer Spry Icicle broke loose quickly after and closed the gap, forcing Shockratease to call the jam but sneaking in one point for the Janes. The following jam, Janes blocker Mary Jane Pain Train had the Hellions Sonic Euthanizer and Doc Bi O’Hazard on the her outside heading into the turn and plowed them both to the floor, allowing teammate jammer Crystal Whip to hop through for lead and 8 points. Hellions jammer Sinful Pleasures nabbed 4 points to give the Hellions their first offense.
In jam 3, Hellions powerhouse Flexi Wheeler pulled the star helmet cover on and shook off ferocious hits from Janes blockers Bloody Knuckles Betty and WrexZilla to grab the lead and 2 unanswered points away from Janes jammer the Rehabiliskater, whose consecutive lead jam hot streak was abruptly ended at 4. Sonic Euthanizer followed it up with another 4 points for the Hellions. It looked as if HoT were making a play for momentum, but in jam 5, the Janes blockers tightened up yet again to cancel the swing: Janes jammer Crystal Whip capitalized on whips from teammates Gunner Hands-Off and WrexZilla for 7 points, 3 more than her jam opponent Shockratease.
Jam 7 was a nail biter as Bloody Knuckles Betty, Li’l Punisher and Sally Mae Hurt You repeatedly gave their opposing jammers nightmares with last-second hits that forced them back into the pack and left the jam lead up for grabs. Spry Icicle would finally bust through for the jam lead and 4 points. The jam started what would end up being a long roll for the Calamity Janes, earning 57 points over the Hellions’ 13 in jams 7 through 15.
The offensive run for the Janes was punctuated by great defense, including massive hits from Lez Lemon and Mary Jane Pain Train, and terrific positional play from Maulie MacKill’em and Mae Snap, who practically immobilized opposing pivot Reading Rambo in jam 11. In the final jam of the half, Sinful Pleasures stopped the bleeding for the Hellions by taking advantage of a penalty to Spry Icicle and scoring 5 points. It was a much needed shot in the arm that the Hellions could only hope would last through the intermission. At the break, the Calamity Janes had a healthy, but hardly safe lead with a score of 73 – 35.
Tension was high on the track at the start of the 2nd period. The Hellions could not afford to give up another hot streak, nor did the Calamity Janes want to leave the door open for a comeback. Shockratease and Spry Icicle would jam for the opening jam once again. Play was tight, and Shockratease was called on a major back block penalty, The opportunity was open for the Janes to skate a backbreaker jam, and Spry Icicle did not disappoint: kicking the spurs in, Spry raced for 18 points, throwing a textbook juke around Sallie Mae Hurt You in the process and earning the honors of most points in a single jam for the night.
Things looked bleak for the Hellions, but Sinful Pleasures once again neutralized the momentum by matching Crystal Whip’s 8 points in the following jam. The Janes made a play to take it again in jam 4 when Porsche DRail Yah landed a well-executed hit on Hellions’ pivot Sinful Pleasures that revealed a path for Spry Icicle to grab 3 more points, but was quickly cancelled again in the next jam by Shockratease scoring 4 unanswered points for HoT, throwing some nice moves around Janes defenders Maulie MacKill’em and WrexZilla. Sinful Pleasures followed it up with 7 more points in jam 6. The Hellions seemed to be picking up steam at just the right time.
Spry Icicle did her best to wrangle the control back in jam 7 by scoring 10 points to Shockratease’s 4, but the Hellions realized that if they were going to make a comeback, it had to start now. Short Temper and Kitty Porn took 4 points each in the next 2 jams while the Janes were kept scoreless. However, the momentum was short-lived as Spry Icicle scored another 13 points for the Janes in jam 10, taking advantage of the penalty-ridden Hellions, as 4 out of 5 of them had served some time in the box during that jam.
HoT veteran and captain Flexi Wheeler sensed time was running low as she lined up against Crystal Whip on the jam line for jam 11. At the whistle, she took off like a bullet, hammering the smaller Crystal off the track and roaring to the pack. There, she ran into the Janes defense, pivoted by Lez Lemon, which gave her more trouble than she anticipated. As Flexi desperately battled with Maulie MacKill’em, Mae Snap and Li’l Punisher, Crystal Whip quietly recovered from the earlier hit and slipped her way through the pack to earn lead for the Janes. Flexi’s fiery play would then earn her a trip to the “Not OK Corral,” and Crystal would nab 5 points to effectively snap the Hellions’ hopes for a comeback shut.
From there, the Janes kept a safe pace to finish out the game, but as with all bouts so far, the action never stopped. In jam 14, Sinful Pleasures closed her game out with a bang by scraping 10 more impressive points for the Hellions, but was nearly matched by opponent Crystal Whip scoring 9, which was all the Janes needed. The next jam would be the final, and Shockratease would earn lead over the Rehabiliskater, nabbing 4 points to Rehab’s 2. It was a remarkable push for the Hellions, but not enough to overcome the lead that the Janes took in the first half, and the CJs once again skated off into the sunset with a victory, improving their season to 2 wins, 1 loss. Final score: 157 – 85.
~Top Scorers~
Calamity Janes: Spry Icicle (93)
Hellions of Troy: Sinful Pleasures (45)
~Most Valuable Players~
Calamity Janes: Spry Icicle
Hellions of Troy: Shockratease
Calamity Janes Roster:
A-Block | Allagasher | Bloody Knuckles Betty | Crystal Whip | Gunner Hands-Off | Lez Lemon | Li’l Punisher | Mae Snap | Mary Jane Pain Train | Maulie MacKill’em | Porsche DRail Yah | Rehabiliskater | Spry Icicle | WrexZilla
Hellions of Troy Roster:
Anne the Bonny Basher | Doc Bi O’Hazard | Epic Kate-astrophe | Flexi Wheeler | Ivanna Spearabitch | Kitty Porn | Mathundra Storm | Nymph O’Maniac | Reading Rambo | Sally Mae Hurt You | Shockratease | Short Temper | Sinful Pleasures | Sonic Euthanizer
Not to be lost in the recap of great derby action was a cause for concern involving Hellions of Troy skater Sally Mae Hurt You. In jam 14 of the second period, Sally fell without any visible interference on the track. She quickly removed herself from play and collapsed near the HoT bench where she was tended to by EMTs and Dr. Gasher through the rest of the game and MVP celebrations, and later stretchered to a waiting ambulance. We are not aware of the severity of Sally’s injuries, but Maine Roller Derby would like to wish her a speedy recovery and continued success along with the rest of the Hellions of Troy.
