Calamity Janes 123, CMRD Petticoat Punishers 48
Bout re-cap by Milhouse Van Bouten
May 15, 2010 was the first bout for the Calamity Janes this season, facing off against the Petticoat Punishers: a team from the upstart Central Mass Roller Derby league who were collectively on a hot streak throughout the month of April, sweeping three bouts against various teams from New Hampshire.
The Punishers hoped to continue this streak with their first visit to Vacationland. Many faces from Maine’s Janes were brand new to the competitive derby scene. It was their first chance to show their hometown exactly what they were made of, and even though the hour was well past high noon, they came ready to duel.
After the first whistle, the defensive tone was set early. Minimal points were scored on both sides, as each team’s jammers were being punished with fierce and skillful blocking. Punishers Jammers Messy Murderher and Diesel N’ Gin picked up 2 points each for Central Mass’ only offense in the first 5 jams; a credit to the CJs terrific blocking, which was punctuated by great hits from WrexZilla and Lez Lemon. On the same front, the Calamity Janes were held to only 2 offensive jams out of the first 5 as well. Rookie jammer Spry Icicle picked up an impressive 9 point jam and the Rehabiliskater added 5-pointer. In the other 3 jams, the CJs were shut down by the Punishers’ exceptional hitting, most visibly by Vixen Ta Hitcha and Ophelia Bonesbreak.
Both teams continued trading shots throughout the first half, with the Janes eventually taking a slight edge over the visiting Punishers. Crystal Whip and Allagasher added to Maine’s offense as jammers while Senora Slaughter, Taya Headoff and Vixen Ta Hitcha provided the same services for Central Mass. Interesting to note, neither team had a full line on the track with the whistle blew for jam 16. Late skaters were sent off, and the jam was skated with only 2 Janes and 3 Punishers on the track. The Rehabiliskater would earn lead jam for the CJs that jam despite being down a player. (She would also go on to earn two more lead jams, going 4 for 4 on the night and 7 out of 8 over her competitive jamming career.) The half would end after one more jam with a tight score of Janes 43 – Punishers 30.
The second half started with a bang for Maine’s Calamity Janes as they came back on the track with guns blazing. Spry Icicle once again poured the offense on early to the delight of the home crowd, nabbing 14 points in both of her first 2 jams of the second half. Equally impressive was the Calamity Janes defense, pivoted by A-Block and WrexZilla, who blanked the Punishers for the first 5 jams of the second half. In jam 6, the Punishers knew they needed a turnaround and lined up seasoned jammer Senora Slaughter against CJ’s Crystal Whip, who had been struggling all night to break through the solid blocking of the Petticoat Punishers. Slaughter managed to grab the lead away from Crystal, but in a terrible break for the Punishers, she was called on a major cutting penalty and sent away to the box. With the hole open and the Punishers’ Ariel Attack also in the box (a.k.a. the “Not OK Corral”), Crystal was finally free to unload and scored 15 points, the most in a single jam that night.
Penalties continued to plague the Petticoat Punishers, and sustaining any offense against the rolling Calamity Janes was getting increasingly difficult. The Janes were pulling away on the scoreboard, but the Punishers showed no quit and forcefully reminded the Janes that the bout was not over. CJ’s offensive engine Spry Icicle was slowed considerably by long-range hits from Ophelia Bonesbreak. Following that, Tearani D’Stroyher lived up to her name nearly literally as she landed a bone-shattering hit on Crystal Whip, sending her airborne to the penalty seating area. The Punishers were not done.
The stepped-up defense effectively stopped the double-digit scoring from the CJs, but it was too little too late for the Punishers to make a comeback. Maine’s Calamity Janes held their ground and locked in a victory in one of the most exciting and competitive Maine Roller Derby bouts this year. Final score: Calamity Janes – 123, Petticoat Punishers – 48
Top Scorers:
Petticoat Punishers: Senora Slaughter (19)
Calamity Janes: Spry Icicle (68)
Most Valuable Players:
Petticoat Punishers: Vixen Ta Hitcha
Calamity Janes: Spry Icicle
Calamity Janes Roster:
A-Block | Allagasher | Crystal Whip | Gunner Hands-Off | Lez Lemon | Li’l Punisher | Mae Snap | Mary Jane Pain Train | Maulie MacKill’em | Porsche DRail Yah | Rehabiliskater | Spry Icicle | WrexZilla
Petticoat Punishers Roster:
Ariel Attack | Badass Mama | Belle Air Bomber | Cat O’Mighty | Diesel N’ Gin | HeLLen Bed | Messy Murderher | Opheila Bonesbreak | Senora Slaughter | Stone Fox | Taya Headoff | Tearani D’Stroyher | Vixen Ta Hitcha | Warlock Man
